Vulnerable

I'm not going to try and hide that I am filled with anger, bitterness, confusion and jealousy. And I'm tired. Not the kind where I need to go take a nap and catch up on some sleep, but tired of life in general. I'm tired of watching my girl suffer every day while seeing everyone else's blossom. I'm tired of hearing of everyone's "easy" kids when I have never even been able to consider those words coming out of my mouth. I'm tired of wishful hoping. I'm tired of sleepless nights. I'm tired of adjusting what seems like every aspect of our lives to help Kinsleigh but yet continue to fail. I'm tired of people asking if she is "better". She's not sick. I'm tired of people asking if I'm "ok". I'm not. I may fake it on the outside because I don't want to sulk in pity so it's how I get by. But the truth is, emotionally and physically, I'm miserable. I surrender every ounce of my being first and foremost to Christ and secondly pouring all I have left into Kinsleigh. I let out my frustrations on my kids because let's face it, I'm a stay at home mom so I have no where else to direct it. Today was a perfect example of me feeling like a failure as a parent. I was angry all day long. Once I finally got Kinsleigh down for a short nap, I wept in front of my 13 month old. Wept. And she just came and crawled into my lap and hugged me like she knew that was just what I needed. For that short moment of my day, my heart softened and I wept some more.

My life has not been easy lately. In fact, it's been as far from that as you can possibly get and I don't see it getting any better anytime soon unless it were a true miracle from God.

We don't hardly go to the park anymore because Kinsleigh wants nothing to do with the equipment. We can barely step outside because she's terrified of bugs. When they fly in the house, you better watch out because she is a ball of terror that will come charging at you. As of today, she won't come into our room anymore because she's terrified of the fan. I guess Im going to have to start missing those daily early morning cuddles in bed that I adore so much. Can't get her to take a bath because she's scared of little specks of dirt she sees floating in the water but we can't compromise with a shower because then the water would touch her head. Our weekly trips to the library are no longer existent because she's still terrified of their air vents.

So when I don't " like" your photos or stories of your children trying new adventures or full of happiness on Facebook, it's not because I'm not happy for you. It's because I'm jealous. I'm trying not to be but it's tough because my triumphant stories and photos of fun are becoming fewer and farther in between.

Well, there you have it. It's not easy being vulnerable. But boy does it feel good when you are. I am so tired of pretending, just because I'm a woman of faith, that I'm ok. I'm not...