Vulnerable

I'm not going to try and hide that I am filled with anger, bitterness, confusion and jealousy. And I'm tired. Not the kind where I need to go take a nap and catch up on some sleep, but tired of life in general. I'm tired of watching my girl suffer every day while seeing everyone else's blossom. I'm tired of hearing of everyone's "easy" kids when I have never even been able to consider those words coming out of my mouth. I'm tired of wishful hoping. I'm tired of sleepless nights. I'm tired of adjusting what seems like every aspect of our lives to help Kinsleigh but yet continue to fail. I'm tired of people asking if she is "better". She's not sick. I'm tired of people asking if I'm "ok". I'm not. I may fake it on the outside because I don't want to sulk in pity so it's how I get by. But the truth is, emotionally and physically, I'm miserable. I surrender every ounce of my being first and foremost to Christ and secondly pouring all I have left into Kinsleigh. I let out my frustrations on my kids because let's face it, I'm a stay at home mom so I have no where else to direct it. Today was a perfect example of me feeling like a failure as a parent. I was angry all day long. Once I finally got Kinsleigh down for a short nap, I wept in front of my 13 month old. Wept. And she just came and crawled into my lap and hugged me like she knew that was just what I needed. For that short moment of my day, my heart softened and I wept some more.

My life has not been easy lately. In fact, it's been as far from that as you can possibly get and I don't see it getting any better anytime soon unless it were a true miracle from God.

We don't hardly go to the park anymore because Kinsleigh wants nothing to do with the equipment. We can barely step outside because she's terrified of bugs. When they fly in the house, you better watch out because she is a ball of terror that will come charging at you. As of today, she won't come into our room anymore because she's terrified of the fan. I guess Im going to have to start missing those daily early morning cuddles in bed that I adore so much. Can't get her to take a bath because she's scared of little specks of dirt she sees floating in the water but we can't compromise with a shower because then the water would touch her head. Our weekly trips to the library are no longer existent because she's still terrified of their air vents.

So when I don't " like" your photos or stories of your children trying new adventures or full of happiness on Facebook, it's not because I'm not happy for you. It's because I'm jealous. I'm trying not to be but it's tough because my triumphant stories and photos of fun are becoming fewer and farther in between.

Well, there you have it. It's not easy being vulnerable. But boy does it feel good when you are. I am so tired of pretending, just because I'm a woman of faith, that I'm ok. I'm not...

Sesame Street Live!!!

(First things first. My photo and sentence alignments are way off today but I was in a hurry and simply did not care so just bear with me here. Just seeing their cuteness is the point anyway, right?)

We had a blast at Sesame Street Live today! Got to visit some of our favorite characters!

Did a little bit of coloring

Showing off our souvenoirs. Mommy and Daddy are suckers for souvenoirs!

Then off to see the show! Kyla was slightly more thrilled than Kinsleigh believe it or not!

But I did get them to get up and dance towards the end! What a fun day we had today!

Singin in the Rain

Welcome to our flash flood of a Spring Break!

We decided to make the most of it

Splashing in the puddles rather than avoiding them!

Getting our feet, hands, and hair wet

And discovering how it all feels

Even when our rain boots end up being a little too large for our feet

You can't see a single cloud when you look at this sunshine

And of course we have to do a little clean up duty.

"Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby."

Langston Hughes

Kyla girl is 1!

Well, here we are. The day is here. Our sweet baby girl Kyla is...I'll just say 12 months old because that doesn't make it seem as bad. I don't know what it is about the second one but I feel like I baby her way more than I did her big sissy. All that getting her off a bottle as much before one as possible, laying her down awake, that sort of thing. Nope. This child still takes a bottle (although I am doing what I can to get her to drink her milk from a sippy. She'll drink everything else from it. Just not the milk!) and I rock that kid to sleep every chance I get. I don't know if it's just because I do what's easiest for the time being since I have two to deal with now or because of the uncertainty of whether or not there will ever be another little one to hold (that decision has yet to be officially decided in this household). But, as difficult as she can be at times, I just don't want her to grow up.

When you came into this world, you were crying like a duck. No lie. It sounded like you were quacking and I will never forget it. Made me giggle in the midst of having my insides taken apart behind a curtain. (Sorry Ihave to keep the mood light and funny or I'll start to cry).

The first 6 weeks of your life were more than difficultand you had somewhat of a rough journey but you were a tough little cookie. Thankfully, because of mommies persistence in figuring you out, we discovered you had a UTI at 6 weeks old that had most likely been around for approximately 4 weeks. Maybe even longer. Heck, you had to have TWO catheters in 3 days with nothing to numb the pain. Mommy couldn't even do that. And I had to sit and watch you sleep with an I.V. hooked into your arm in a tiny little hospital bed for 5 days. You even had to spend your first Easter in the Children's Hospital. Those early days I will never forget.

But more importantly I will never forget how your beautiful blue eyes sparkle and people comment on them at least several times a day everywhere we go, at 7:30pm almost every evening you come and cuddle with me and let me tickle your back until bathtime, you made me walk with you holding your little fingers for 2 1/2 mos. before finally taking your own first steps, at 9:40 every morning I'm guaranteed a huge smile the moment you hear "lalalala lalalala Elmo's World!" comeon the T.V., you smack your lips every time you pretend to eat or the moment you see someone else with food, your most adorable pout lip, how you run to the computer and start moving your leg to the beat when you hear "Party Rock Anthem", and you play peek a boo in the shower curtain and get your head soaking wet every morning. Ohhh the memories we will always share...

Happy Birthday sweet Kyla Hope. Mommy, Daddy and Sissy (believe it or not) love you very

much!

Day with my Loves

Happy Valentines Day to everyone! Hope it was enjoyed by all! We had a very eventful day full of Valentine fun!

The cute little homemade Valentines Kinsleigh helped make for her friends at school.

Here is a close up

Our delicious cookies we baked last night for the neighbors, our teachers, church staff, and ahem ourselves of course!

Have to start the day with heart pancakes!

Opening gifts...

Always a hit.

Dressed up and ready for school with a special appearance by sissy getting to go with her to drop her off today!

Yep, they are adorable

Played in our Valentine sensory table a bit

Had this incredibly unhealthy looking heart pizza for dinner. Yeah, I feel disgusting right now.

And ended my evening with some good ole snuggles from this snotty nose.

(not pictured: My first greatest love, Sean)

Burdened

I've had something on my heart lately that I'm completely burdened by. I feel God is trying to lead me in some sort of direction but I'm not exactly sure yet where that is. Lately I've been saddened too many times by the pain and suffering I've been seeing other families go through with their children. Whether it be them being diagnosed with a disease, getting extremely I'll and suffering significant permant damage as a result, finding out their child has cancer, or even worse, losing their child to cancer. Nothing gets to me more than this. I can't begin to even imagine the hurt and pain they are experiencing. And I want to gag at myself for complaining about my problems. We all have our struggles and yes ours have been somewhat more difficult with Kinsleigh lately, but manageable.

Two nights ago, Kinsleigh woke at 11:45 pm screaming in her room. I ran in to see her sitting bolt upright in her bed, looking completely terrified. I knew instantly she had had a horrible dream as we have dealt with this before with her. But this time when I went to her and placed my arms around her to reassure her she was safe, she was shaking uncontrollably and her heart was beating so hard I literally thought it was going to burst out of her chest! Once I got her to lay down, I sat on the floor next to her bed with her for a good 15 min with one hand tickling her forehead and the other just resting on her chest. That heart was not slowing down and it made me sad to see that she had dreamed something that could make her so frightned. But that wasn't the reason tears came to my eyes at that moment. Here I am, worn out tired, needing my rest more than you can ever know, and suddenly I dont care about that. Im teary eyed because I realize feeling that heart beat at what seems like 1000 beats per minute, represents life in her. She is breathing and full of life. How unbelievably grateful I am to have that! Shes healthy, praise the Lord! Not everyone is experiencing that with their child every day like I am.

But what can I do? I'm just a woman, with a reasonably small income, who wants to help in some way. But I know that nothing I would ever do could bring a child back to the state that they once were so my prayer is that it will be revealed to me how I can help certain families throughout my time in whatever way possible. And I'm going to start with this family. The mom is a woman I knew and was close friends with her family growing up nearly 20 years ago. Because of Facebook, I still stay connected to her family. Her two year old boy is struggling. Actually that's more than an understatement. I can't describe all he has been going through and the pain his parents are clearly feeling. You can join his Facebook page, "Westin's Walk" here to get the news on his condition and updates. Be in prayer for him on a daily basis. You can also request prayer bracelets for him for $5 a piece.

http://www.facebook.com/groups/305376696166650/

Wordless...

Sometimes I simply have nothing else on my mind to blog about and the blog goes untouched for some time. I'm in one of those phases now so I thought, "Why not just share some of my favorite pics of the past month?"

play doh creatures

such cuties enjoying snack and cartoons together

Picnic in the park. Weather this month has been AMAZING

Just being her cute self

Pausing for a sweet pic during a fun game of "sock basketball"

Enjoying mommy's new cake batter balls

Building an awesome castle at Lowe's

Sportin sisters New Life Ranch shades

Playing in such an "oh so safe" place =)

10 months old!

That's one stylish princess right there

"loving" on Bella

Doesn't get any better than this...

Laundry basket rides are the best!